I want the World Cup back.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
In which I complain extensively about the Super Bowl
Thursday, December 9, 2010
This is a public service announcement. Sorta.
Have you ever known someone who has been affected by a Chapstick addiction? Have you or a loved one fallen victim to this terrible affliction? If you find yourself constantly craving Chapstick due to dry, burning, or chapped lips, then YOU too may have this addiction. In fact, recent studies* have shown that the number of Chapstick addicts has risen by over 892% since 1720**. But there is hope! Call 867-5309 to receive information about your nearest Chapstick intervention and rehabilitation centers, or join your local Chapstick focus group. Remember, you can take action to save the lives - and lips - of your loved ones. Spread awareness today! This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by HBATOT.
*"Recent studies" meaning I thought of it and did not scientifically verify it. It counts, right?
**COUGHitotallymadethatupCOUGH
**COUGHitotallymadethatupCOUGH
Note: I dedicate this post to some certain person for their concern regarding worldwide Chapstick addiction. You know who you are.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The day I was eaten by a puffer fish
I just googled puffer fish and it turns out that they actually are highly poisonous. Also, they have four large teeth which they use to eat crustaceans.
In case you aren't quite sick of puffer fish metaphors yet (which I'm sure you aren't - how could you ever even think about getting sick of puffer fish metaphors?): if my college essays are puffer fish, then I'm the crustacean. Yes, I'm the nearly-brainless-shrimp-crab-type-thing that gets eaten by a fish that resembles a spiky balloon. Yay.
Stupid college essays. Turning me into an unfunny, brainless crustacean. Good times.
Labels:
college,
crustacean,
metaphors,
poison,
puffer fish,
venom
Monday, November 15, 2010
Lions and tigers and bears and dreams and stuff
Of course, once I was awake, I sat in bed in the dark and had all of these sleepy delusions about how there were probably lions in the backyard and outside my bedroom door. And grizzly bears. Heck if I know where that one came from.
Then, without being eaten by lions that weren't there, I went back to sleep and dreamt something about giant pink pieces of styrofoam.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Disney Princess Face-Off
Well, luckily for you, I know the answer. And I'm quite prepared to describe the entire scenario for you. For a fee of only one million dollars and fifty cents, plus my full college tuition.
...Okay, okay. Fine. I won't charge you so much. You can leave out the fifty cents.
Anyways. Allow me to present to you... What Would Happen If Various Disney Princesses Were Put In The Same Room And Left To Their Own Devices!
Princesses: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, the Little Mermaid
The Scene Unravels Thus: Almost immediately, a catfight begins because each princess claims to be the most beautiful person present. Snow White says that it must be her because her stepmother's talking mirror says so. Plus, she has seven guys who follow her around at all times, and if she dies, the forest animals come to look at her in her glass coffin. Shocked, Sleeping Beauty argues that she's the beautiful one because, duh, she has the word "Beauty" in her name. Cinderella gasps and bursts into tears because she knows she's only named after some ashes, but between sobs chokes out the words "I'm m-more beautiful than... than all of you c-combined-d-d because... my fairy godmother - she'll m-m-make me more beautiful! With magic!" The Little Mermaid trys to make a snide remark but then realizes that she has no voice. So instead she flops around making obscure hand signals and trying to brush her hair with a fork. Unfortunately, Sleeping Beauty can't handle the high-stress environment and deals with the problem by - surprise, surprise - going to sleep. As she drifts off, she mutters something about how her prince will save her. In unison, the other three princesses say, "Me too!" There is a brief pause as they all wonder whether they're all after the same prince. Chaos ensues as Cinderella and Snow White attack each other with assorted cooking and cleaning utensils while the Little Mermaid pokes Sleeping Beauty with her fork. Sleeping Beauty wakes up and screeches, "Why, you little sea witch!" She pulls out an extremely sharp spindle, but before she can use it, an elephant appears out of nowhere and squishes them all. The elephant wins.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Things on my desk
So, without further ado, here is a list of some of the items on my terminally messy desk, just because I feel like writing one:
-A comic book. In French. Which is, may I add, I language that I don't speak.
-Some flowers that I was given at my cross country senior night
-An eraser that has the words "Don't Panic" written all over it, designed for particularly troublesome tests
-Italian mints in a fancy Italian tin labeled "Casa Fondata Leone nel 1857." Another language I don't speak.
-Pre-wrap. Blue. Lifesaving in many athletic situations.
-A blue pencil case with multicolored sheep printed all over it
-My wallet, which contains $14, some old receipts, my license, a debit card, an ATM card, and several assorted gift cards (most of which are probably expired or void of money)
-A thick novel in Spanish. Aha! A language I speak! ...Sort of.
-An unlabeled CD
-Another unlabeled CD
-A ticket to Rumors at my high school's theater. It was fantastic, by the way.
-My dad's library card
-My friend's old (Product)red iPod, which has a picture of Holger Badstuber stuck to the back
-Paintbrushes in a glass jar
-An alarm clock, which has to be kept away from my bed so that I'm forced to get up when it rings
-A yellow insect-repelling "Super Band" that was given to me by the same friend who gave me the iPod and the French comic book. She wanted to know if it works and figured that I, being a mosquito magnet, would be the prime candidate to test it out. I've yet to do so.
-Stacks of books and papers threatening to tumble down onto my head. Duck.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Musical prodigy
No, I am not one.
But this kid is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDPk5xKx3Yg
Seriously, this is insane. He's nine. NINE. Normally I'm not all that impressed by piano music, but this is borderline unbelievable. Did I say borderline? I meant completely. I mean, the kid has to put a box under his feet when he sits at the piano bench because he can't reach the ground, and yet he plays the piano like someone with a lifetime of practice. I believe he's playing Mozart in that video clip. Seems appropriate somehow.
Why oh why can't we all be this talented? Oh right. Because then it would just be normal. Did you hear that, crazy piano-playing prodigy child? If we were all so talented, you would be nothing special! Nothing at all!!! ...No, I'm not jealous in the least. Ahem.
No, only joking. I really do think that this is extremely impressive and noteworthy.
But this kid is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDPk5xKx3Yg
Seriously, this is insane. He's nine. NINE. Normally I'm not all that impressed by piano music, but this is borderline unbelievable. Did I say borderline? I meant completely. I mean, the kid has to put a box under his feet when he sits at the piano bench because he can't reach the ground, and yet he plays the piano like someone with a lifetime of practice. I believe he's playing Mozart in that video clip. Seems appropriate somehow.
Why oh why can't we all be this talented? Oh right. Because then it would just be normal. Did you hear that, crazy piano-playing prodigy child? If we were all so talented, you would be nothing special! Nothing at all!!! ...No, I'm not jealous in the least. Ahem.
No, only joking. I really do think that this is extremely impressive and noteworthy.
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