The day I was eaten by a puffer fish

I loathe college essays. I loathe them so much that I've become completely unable to be funny. Not that I'm sure I had much of an ability to be funny to begin with, but whatever sense of humor I ever had has been eaten by the venomous puffer fish otherwise known as a college essay. Yes, I called it a venomous puffer fish. This is because it doesn't look like too much of a threat at first, but then you mess with it and it inflates and turns out to be covered in spikes. And if it pokes you (or if you're stupid enough to eat it), you die. From the venom, you know. Puffer fish venom.

I just googled puffer fish and it turns out that they actually are highly poisonous. Also, they have four large teeth which they use to eat crustaceans.

In case you aren't quite sick of puffer fish metaphors yet (which I'm sure you aren't - how could you ever even think about getting sick of puffer fish metaphors?): if my college essays are puffer fish, then I'm the crustacean. Yes, I'm the nearly-brainless-shrimp-crab-type-thing that gets eaten by a fish that resembles a spiky balloon. Yay.

Stupid college essays. Turning me into an unfunny, brainless crustacean. Good times.