Lions and tigers and bears and dreams and stuff

I had a weird dream last night. In my dream, I was at the zoo and I was trying to take a picture of a lion. I distinctly remember my dream-self saying the words, "I will take a picture of this lion because he looks very lion-like right now." My dream-self is a flipping genius. Apparently the person who built the lion's cage was also a genius, because the only thing keeping the lion away from the general public was a thin, loosely strung little rope. So as I was trying to take a picture of this stunningly lion-like lion, it awoke from its slumber and proceeded to slip underneath the rope. At that point, there was nothing to separate me from this giant, hungry looking cat except for air. Which, believe it or not, is not the most effective means of defense. I turned around and walked away, hoping that the lion wouldn't notice. I guess I thought it was a very stupid lion. Maybe it was, because instead of just biting my head off or something, the lion just trudged along behind me, theoretically giving me plenty of time to escape. In fact, I came up with an escape plan, which was to jump up to the top of a thirty-foot tree by the side of the path in one giant bound. As I already pointed out, my dream-self is all sorts of brilliant. But, alas, before I could take a superhuman leap to the top of the very tall tree, the lion ate me and I woke up.

Of course, once I was awake, I sat in bed in the dark and had all of these sleepy delusions about how there were probably lions in the backyard and outside my bedroom door. And grizzly bears. Heck if I know where that one came from.

Then, without being eaten by lions that weren't there, I went back to sleep and dreamt something about giant pink pieces of styrofoam.

Disney Princess Face-Off

Disney princesses. Little girls want to be them, little boys think they're gross, and adults roll their eyes at them. People admire them, parody them, criticize them. But no one's asked that all-important question: what would happen if you were to put them in a room together and leave them to their own devices? (And yes, this is an all-important question. Don't contradict me. I don't want to hear it.)

Well, luckily for you, I know the answer. And I'm quite prepared to describe the entire scenario for you. For a fee of only one million dollars and fifty cents, plus my full college tuition.

...Okay, okay. Fine. I won't charge you so much. You can leave out the fifty cents.

Anyways. Allow me to present to you... What Would Happen If Various Disney Princesses Were Put In The Same Room And Left To Their Own Devices!

Princesses: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, the Little Mermaid

The Scene Unravels Thus: Almost immediately, a catfight begins because each princess claims to be the most beautiful person present. Snow White says that it must be her because her stepmother's talking mirror says so. Plus, she has seven guys who follow her around at all times, and if she dies, the forest animals come to look at her in her glass coffin. Shocked, Sleeping Beauty argues that she's the beautiful one because, duh, she has the word "Beauty" in her name. Cinderella gasps and bursts into tears because she knows she's only named after some ashes, but between sobs chokes out the words "I'm m-more beautiful than... than all of you c-combined-d-d because... my fairy godmother - she'll m-m-make me more beautiful! With magic!" The Little Mermaid trys to make a snide remark but then realizes that she has no voice. So instead she flops around making obscure hand signals and trying to brush her hair with a fork. Unfortunately, Sleeping Beauty can't handle the high-stress environment and deals with the problem by - surprise, surprise - going to sleep. As she drifts off, she mutters something about how her prince will save her. In unison, the other three princesses say, "Me too!" There is a brief pause as they all wonder whether they're all after the same prince. Chaos ensues as Cinderella and Snow White attack each other with assorted cooking and cleaning utensils while the Little Mermaid pokes Sleeping Beauty with her fork. Sleeping Beauty wakes up and screeches, "Why, you little sea witch!" She pulls out an extremely sharp spindle, but before she can use it, an elephant appears out of nowhere and squishes them all. The elephant wins.

Things on my desk

I have two options right now: 1) do my calculus homework, since it's still slightly too early to go to bed and I'm not doing anything productive whatsoever, including writing the essays for the college apps that are due in two weeks, or 2) waste time, which seems nice right now but will cause me all sorts of unneccessary stress, hard work, and loss of sleep in the future. Being the smart and well-organized person that I am, I will opt for choice number two.

So, without further ado, here is a list of some of the items on my terminally messy desk, just because I feel like writing one:

-A comic book. In French. Which is, may I add, I language that I don't speak.

-Some flowers that I was given at my cross country senior night

-An eraser that has the words "Don't Panic" written all over it, designed for particularly troublesome tests

-Italian mints in a fancy Italian tin labeled "Casa Fondata Leone nel 1857." Another language I don't speak.

-Pre-wrap. Blue. Lifesaving in many athletic situations.

-A blue pencil case with multicolored sheep printed all over it

-My wallet, which contains $14, some old receipts, my license, a debit card, an ATM card, and several assorted gift cards (most of which are probably expired or void of money)

-A thick novel in Spanish. Aha! A language I speak! ...Sort of.

-An unlabeled CD

-Another unlabeled CD

-A ticket to Rumors at my high school's theater. It was fantastic, by the way.

-My dad's library card

-My friend's old (Product)red iPod, which has a picture of Holger Badstuber stuck to the back

-Paintbrushes in a glass jar

-An alarm clock, which has to be kept away from my bed so that I'm forced to get up when it rings

-A yellow insect-repelling "Super Band" that was given to me by the same friend who gave me the iPod and the French comic book. She wanted to know if it works and figured that I, being a mosquito magnet, would be the prime candidate to test it out. I've yet to do so.

-Stacks of books and papers threatening to tumble down onto my head. Duck.

Musical prodigy

No, I am not one.
But this kid is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDPk5xKx3Yg
Seriously, this is insane. He's nine. NINE. Normally I'm not all that impressed by piano music, but this is borderline unbelievable. Did I say borderline? I meant completely. I mean, the kid has to put a box under his feet when he sits at the piano bench because he can't reach the ground, and yet he plays the piano like someone with a lifetime of practice. I believe he's playing Mozart in that video clip. Seems appropriate somehow.
Why oh why can't we all be this talented? Oh right. Because then it would just be normal. Did you hear that, crazy piano-playing prodigy child? If we were all so talented, you would be nothing special! Nothing at all!!! ...No, I'm not jealous in the least. Ahem.
No, only joking. I really do think that this is extremely impressive and noteworthy.

It's already October, sort of

I don't really have time to write at the moment, since it's a quarter past ten and I still have to get through a sizable mountain of AP Bio homework, but I just felt the need to point out that in less than two hours, it will be October.

Let's all take a moment to wave a fond farewell to September 2010, shall we?

According to the calendar on my wall, it's already October. This is because my friend made it for me a few weeks ago, and since it's kind of awesome, I put it up right away even though it was September and the first month in the calendar is October. So, in my room, it's been October for about two weeks already. For the record, that means that I beat the people at the international date line to the change in the month. Ha, you people out in the Pacific Ocean! Beat by the American Midwest! At this rate, I'll even beat you to the time change! Except not really, because no one else actually acknowledges that it's already October 13th (or something like that).

I'm really tired, so I'd better stop now before I say anything else really, really dumb that I'm going to regret typing when I reread this in a few days.

People-Watching at the Mall

Call me a creep if you will. I don't agree. What else are malls good for? Shopping? Psh. Well, if you've never deigned to observe passersby in your local mall, then here are some stock characters whom you're sure to see:

-The cluster of absurdly noisy middle-school aged girls dressed from head to toe in Abercrombie & Fitch. You hear the phrase "OMG" spoken out loud at least ninety-two times as they go by.

-The couple holding hands, giggling, and looking completely unaware of the world.

-The man lurking awkwardly outside of the Gap or Ann Taylor Loft as he waits for his wife to finish shopping. He may or may not be clutching a large pile of shopping bags.

-The stressed-looking college student drinking coffee and staring intently at a laptop at a table in the book store.

-The woman being trailed by about seventeen children of assorted ages. She probably looks extremely hassled and is saying something like "No, Sarah, you may not run down the up escalator," or "Joey! Stop pulling your sister's hair!"

-The teenagers who are clutching massive plastic cups full of some kind of sugary frozen beverage and meandering past the stores at about 0.03 miles per hour.

-The businesswoman in the intimidating suit. Her purposeful stride makes it clear that she has somewhere important to be. She's not afraid to bulldoze the teenagers, the middle-school girls, or the giggling couple in her determined march, since she's in too much of a hurry to walk in anything but a perfectly straight line.

7 Alternate Uses for an Empty Tissue Box

1. Boat - It's perfect for your rafting and sailing adventures. Just make sure you're small enough to fit inside of it. It works best if you are, say, a gerbil or a very small elephant. Also, you may want to waterproof your box boat before use.
2. Wallpaper - Have you ever wondered why tissue boxes come in so many amusing colors and patterns? It's so that, once all of the tissues have been used, you can cut apart the box and plaster it on your wall. Approved by interior designers everywhere.
3. Alternate Piggy Bank - This is great if you're sick of those absurdly cheerful little porcelain pigs. That slit in the top of the box that tissues are supposed to come out of is perfect for depositing coins. (Note: it being a cardboard box, security is not always guaranteed)
4. Stylish Hat - Perch one on your head and you're sure to turn heads everywhere. Trust me, it's because you're so trendy and not because people think it's weird that you have a tissue box on your head.
5. Telephone - True, no one will answer if you talk into a tissue box. But it's still entertaining.
6. Brick - There's no material sturdier for use in building a wall than an empty tissue box. Unless it rains. Or pressure is applied. Or... you get the idea.
7. Drum - Turn the box upside down and whack it rhythmically. Hours of surefire entertainment, guaranteed.